I had to convince myself that you wouldn't come back. I didn't want to be set up for a let down.

You told me you'd come find me as soon as you could, but I had every right to doubt you. And then you disappeared again as quick as you had appeared, like nothing had ever happened, and everything went quite topsy-turvy all over the place in my brain. And the faces became relatively clear again and I remembered where I was. Everyone was floating around like a ghost, all giddy-merry and life-high, but I couldn't think of a good enough reason why I should stand up, so I collapsed and could barely breathe. Part of me thought that if I took another breath, everything would go back to normal- that if I could hold on to that one same breath, I could hold on to the one moment that fucked me up forever.

I'm nearly sure that this was the scariest I've ever scared myself. I was so happy so sad all at once, I was woozy and lovesick too... I'm not really sure what I was to be honest, I just wanted you to explain it to me again so I would know exactly how you felt and if you were lying to me. I can never tell if you're lying, I couldn't tell then and I can't tell now. Sometimes, I convince myself that you are, just so I won't be let down, but someone that's not me deep deep deep in my heart trusts you even when my head doesn't. And I get let down anyway later on. You know, I've gotten good at that because that's the way we work. I pretend you're something you're not and then REALLY believe it and you prove me wrong and I get hurt because you make me smile and tell me you've loved me all along and I go against everything I've ever believed and fall for it. And then you don't follow through.

You know, I never thought you'd come back. And you did, but just that once. I think that was the last time you ever came back to me.